


Psilocybin

by Alarnia



Series: Psilocybin [1]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Caleb's POV, Depression, Drugs, Everyone Is Gay, Fear of Death, Fluff, Gen, Hallucinations, I tried very hard to not make this shippy but i think it's impossible at this point, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Mushrooms, Psychotropic Drugs, Self-Hatred, Stream of Consciousness, Suicidal Thoughts, Therapy, Unresolved Sexual Tension, caduceus can basically read minds, caleb is severely depressed, psilocybin, unspoken feelings, written just prior to episode 47
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-10
Updated: 2019-01-10
Packaged: 2019-10-07 14:25:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,487
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17367533
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alarnia/pseuds/Alarnia
Summary: Caduceus gives Caleb some therapeutic tea. It's a lot more than Caleb expected.





	Psilocybin

**Author's Note:**

> In short, Psilocybin is the hallucinogenic substance found in Magic Mushrooms. This is a fic where Caduceus gives Caleb drugs and Caleb gets high off his marbles. If you object to this idea, then please don't read this fic.
> 
> The idea for this fic stemmed from Caduceus clearly being into fungi canonically, and my general interest in mushrooms as well as their potential health benefits. There are a few newer scientific studies showing their beneficial effects towards persons with PTSD, depression, anxiety, and trauma. 
> 
> However, as I write this, I have no personal experience with these substances or anything resembling them, so I strongly encourage you to do your own research if you are curious, and I apologize in advance for any inaccuracies.

“You know, I have something that might be able to help with that.”

 

Caleb looks at Caduceus, the smell of burning wood still fogging his senses, embers swirling through his vision. His tongue is too heavy to speak but a part of him hears the firbolg, and understands. The two of them lock eyes for a long moment before Caleb stumbles away, Nott tailing him with a concerned look.

 

But the idea’s been planted, and curiosity killed the cat. Or perhaps, in this case, maybe not. Caleb can’t admit that he needs help, not even to himself. He doesn’t deserve it anyway. He doesn’t want it. But it’s difficult to ignore the dangerous timing of some of his episodes. He doesn’t want to even think of what could happen to Nott, to Jester… to any of the Nein if they were hurt while trying to get his useless body out of danger. They don’t deserve to be dragged down with him.

 

So it’s precisely 37 hours later that he finds himself knocking on Caduceus’ door. The sounds of the tavern around them are quiet. Most of it’s denizens are asleep or preparing for bed. It takes a few moments before Caleb hears the clicking of a turning door knob. He doesn’t quite look up into Caduceus’ face. His looming figure is dressed down to that flowing silk shirt of his.

 

“Good Evening, Herr Clay.”

 

“Oh, Heyy Mr. Caleb.”

 

“...Can I Come in?”

 

“Oh, yeah of course.” Caduceus shuffles back, into the dimly lit room. His wooden staff glows faintly against the wall, lighting the room. On the table a wet looking crystal is warming a teapot decorated with butterflies. Caleb steps into the room, and Herr Clay shuts the door behind him.

 

The quiet is stifling. He should say what he’s here for, instead of haunting the space and making things awkward. Caleb’s palms feel damp. He struggles to lift his gaze; manages to land it somewhere on Caduceus’ ear. Near enough to get at least some read on his disposition. He doesn’t seem too put upon for the disturbance. But the seconds tick by, ein… zwei… drei… and words fail him.

 

“Did you need something?” Caduceus breaks the silence, his brow wrinkling, head tilting. He has the most interesting earring curled around the lobe of his ear. It looks heavy.

 

“Ya, I… “ Caleb muddles his words for a moment, anxiety making translation difficult. Hemming and hurring.

 

“What did You mean… Earlier?”

 

“... Earlier?” Caduceus voice is calm, patient.

 

“You said... You have a- ahh… Something.”

 

“I have many things, Mr. Caleb.” The firbolg’s smile is vaguely confused, but encouraging enough. Caleb tries to find his words. He wishes he did not feel so clumsy in this.

 

“Something for- for…” Frustrated, Caleb gestures to himself, his fingers swirling over his temple. “I do not Think it is- ah... Safe that I… Slip Away like I do, whenever fire is involved.”

 

Caleb’s meaning seemed to click for Caduceus after a second, and he nodded, his whole body seeming to bounce with the motion.

 

“Yeahh! Yes I have some medicine that I’ve used for this sort of thing. It’s nice.”

 

“Is the Offer still Open…?” Hopeful, Caleb’s eyes flickered over Caduceus’ face, taking in his friendly, serene visage.

 

“Well, yeah. Of Course.”

 

...Caleb waited. But the Firbolg seemed to need further prompting.

 

“Could You… Tell me more about it?”

 

“Yeah, it’s… Have a Seat I’ll make tea.”

 

There are not many options for seating arrangements. Caleb’s attention skitters about the room as he decides between the lone chair, or the bed. The bed seems too familiar for the relationship they have. But Caduceus stands in the way of the tableside chair as he starts to prepare two cups of tea. He adds them to his pre-heated teapot and the smell of lavender and rose-hips floods the air. Caleb sits on the edge of the bed.

 

The silence persists for several minutes, seconds ticking away in the back of Caleb’s mind. Caduceus hands him a wide brimmed cup that steams. The warmth bleeds into his fingers. Soothing. It’s strange that he draws comfort from this, while the hot flames that come so easily to him would cause him anxiety. The Firbolg takes a seat across from him and takes a moment to blow over his tea before drinking from it. He takes the moment to enjoy the flavor, but it feels as if Caduceus is chewing on the moment itself.

 

Meanwhile, the anticipation is making Caleb’s mouth go dry. He copies the firbolg’s motions and moistens his throat. The tea burns only slightly.

 

It’s good. Floral. Tart.

 

Caleb isn’t usually one to break the silence, but curiosity eventually gets the better of him.

 

“So... how does It work?”

 

Caduceus almost seems to jump, as if he was pulled from his thoughts. He looks confused.

 

“What?” The firbolg regards him with a vacant expression. Did he lose the thread of the conversation in the process of making tea? Caleb would have found this endearing if he weren’t already uncomfortable with the vulnerability he was expressing just by being here.

 

“The- er... Medicine you offered me.”

 

“Oh! Right, yeah.” Caduceus sets his cup down.

 

“It’s psilocybin. Fairy’s Cap. A Mushroom. I-”

 

Caleb stiffens. Remembering skein, and his past experience with fungus. They might as well be poisons-

 

Caduceus swiftly picks up on Caleb’s reluctance, and takes a reassuring tone. “Now now, It’s safe, I’ve taken it. My family has used it for generations. We’ve given it to mourners. I really believe it can help you.”

 

Caleb, for his part, still needs some convincing. But at least he’s not bolting out the door, and Caduceus smiles. Caleb looks down into his half empty cup.

 

“Psilocybe heals the mind. It’s effects are… difficult to describe. But In the past we’ve had mourners who come to us seeking to be relieved from their pain and suffering. Or they need help overcoming Fear, Despair, Anxiety... They’re often victims of trauma and the psilocybin broadens their perspective, helps them process their emotions and heal.”

 

Caleb frowned, not knowing what to make of what Herr Clay was telling him. Trauma? Perspective? The idea of moving on from his past made his throat tighten. What if he gave up on his goals? He couldn’t. What was the point of all of this without his mission? Caleb shook his head, his legs tensed as he moved to stand. But Caduceus continued speaking.

 

“I don’t pretend to know what you must have gone through to make you the way you are. But I’m confidant it can at least help you keep a clear head when fighting with fire.”

 

Those words were a poignant reminder. Caleb knew of how much of a liability he could become in combat. A danger to himself if not his friends and his goals. And what good were goals when you were dead in a ditch somewhere?

 

“You’re Sure?” Caleb can’t keep the uncertainty out of his voice, but he’s settling back down.

 

“Absolutely.” Caduceus smiled when Caleb moved to meet his eyes again. “And even if I’m wrong, it doesn’t hurt to try. I’ve never met a person who experienced a Fairy Cap trip who didn’t get something worthwhile from it.”

 

Caleb was silent for a long while, nearly staring at Caduceus. The firbolg looked away, seeming to grow uncomfortable as seconds rolled by. He seemed… honest. He didn’t seem to harbor any malintent… for now anyway. In the months caleb had come to know Herr Clay, he’d been nothing but courteous and kind. It was a miracle that Clay was still even with their merry band of assholes, a miracle that he didn’t abandon ship at the first notion that this wasn’t the destiny he had been looking for.

 

Maybe it wasn’t so surprising though.  Jester certainly did have a knack for miracles.

 

“I… Ya ok.” Caleb said, a determined set to his posture. When Caduceus looked back towards Caleb he looked surprised, but pleased.

 

“O _kay_.” the Firbolg swayed in his seat, beaming at Caleb. The wizard waited, expectantly.

 

“...Wait. Now?” Caduceus asked. Caleb looked back at his tea.

 

“Ya? Why Wait?”

 

“Well, if you feel prepared, sure... But I should warn you that the effects of psilocybin can be very powerful. As insightful as it can be, it can also be very emotional. Some might even describe it as religious. It’s important that you take it with the right mindset. And more importantly: the experience can last you several hours… and it is getting a bit late in the evening.”

 

“...Oh. It is not something that I can just… have some and go?” Caleb tried not to deflate visibly. A part of him just wanted to get it over with. Rip off the bandaid. But this new information was cause for concern.

 

“I’m afraid not. I’ll have to monitor you to make sure you’re okay.”

 

“... Ya… _Verstehen_ …Tomorrow, then?”

 

“Yeah... In the morning? we should set aside the whole day for this.”

 

Caleb blinked. A whole day? Sure, he had nowhere to be, and neither did the group. But it seemed like a lot. Surely the group would notice something was off.

 

“You will let the group know not to bother us?”

 

“Of course, this is something that should be kept private.”

 

“...Ya ok.”

 

They finish their tea, occasionally exchanging small pieces of conversation. But before long Caleb leaves and returns to his quarters. Nott is buzzed… and buzzing with questions about what he’s been up to, but Caleb is not sure if he’s ready to talk to her about it, or if she should be there with him when he goes to meet with Caduceus again tomorrow. He wants to share everything with her, but something about the firbolg’s warnings make him pause. He does not know how the Goblin will react. He does not know if he can handle her terrifying kindness right now. He feels he may need privacy for what’s to come…

 

Ultimately he does warn Nott that he will be occupied tomorrow with Herr Clay, and to not worry after him. It’s clear that Nott is curious and wants to know what’s going on. But she trusts Caleb to make smart decisions, and she trusts Clay to keep him safe. So she is satisfied and does not prod him with any more questions.

 

Caleb’s sleeps poorly, thoughts swirling. Making decisions and backing out of them… only to return back to his original dilemma. It just wasn’t feasible for him to continue to be frozen by fire. It was only a matter of time before disaster struck. Caduceus claimed to have a solution.

 

Dawn climbs up the sky with rosy fingers, and Caleb spends a good hour watching it through the window he shares with Nott. He watches the light filter and stretch across the room. He’s Thinking about his choices. Mulling over the idea of cancelling his appointment with Caduceus. He probably wouldn’t be offended. But he’s been over this a hundred times tonight, and Caleb feels that his curiosity will hang over him like a cloud if he doesn’t sate it.

 

As soon as he feels Nott beginning to shift into wakefulness he moves to get up. Frumpkin chirrups tiredly before burrowing back in, luxuriating in Nott’s body heat. Caleb touches the Goblin’s shoulder, and whispers softly to them, _“Do not worry. I will see you later.”_ Before leaving Nott to doze in the softness that comes with early morning.

 

Nerves buzzing with tension, Caleb knocks on Caduceus door for the second time in the last 24 hours.

 

“Good morning,” Caduceus smiles down from behind the open doorway. He motions for Caleb to enter,

 

“Mh- _Morgen…_ ” Caleb nods in passing, staring past the cleric. The room is empty aside from the wizard and the Firbolg, Fjord having apparently left the day before, searching for news of his mentor. If it were anything like the last time, the half-orc would likely be on walkabout for several more days.

 

The bed this time is noticeably more tidy, tucked in, impersonal, and as Caleb approached it, he noticed a few other changes to the room. The lived in sprawl of travel gear that had been there previously was now gone. But various new items were placed out in the open. Smooth stones, a mortar and pestle, sheafs of paper and charcoal sticks, colored grease pencils, a prism that caught the morning light, and various other nick nacks. A stick of lavender incense was already burning near the frosted over window, the aroma tickled his nose. Caleb frowned, wondering what Caduceus was up to, but moved to sit on the bed like he had the night before.

 

“How are you feeling?”

 

“Ah- _gut._ Maybe a little Hungry, I suppose.”

 

“Yeah, sorry ... I’ll bring us breakfast later. But we should see how well the fairy cap sits with you first.”

 

Caleb nodded. To be honest he was too nervous to eat right now anyway. He could ignore a few hunger pangs.

 

And so Caleb watched Caduceus putter about. He pulled out a jar of fresh mushrooms, growing out of a decayed lump of flesh that surely was _not_ a human hand. They were Primarily gray, and might have been considered drab, if not for the subtle blue shimmer of each cap’s gills. Glittering azure spores dusted the inside of the the jar and Caleb watched them dance through the air as Caduceus harvested two smaller growths. Caleb glanced up to the firbolg’s face to find himself being watched in turn.

 

They were sizing him up, squinting and chewing their cheek. Caleb felt like a beetle under a magnifying glass. Caduceus tilted his head before nodding, and turning away. The tension broke.

 

Caleb felt himself able to breathe again suddenly, and gulped air. What had that even been about?

 

As if nothing had just happened, Caduceus continued to prepare tea. Dropping the caps into a teapot and pouring water from the kettle over them, steam immediately billowing upwards and filling the air with a sharp metallic aroma, mingling with the lavender.

 

“That’ll need to steep for a little while.” Caduceus said as he sat down.

 

“Ya ok.” Caleb mumbled. He wished he’d thought to bring some reading material along, and almost considered leaving to go fetch some. He needed to keep his mind busy, lest it take a turn for the morose. But he could hear the bustle of morning activities stirring in the hallway and the main chamber below, and the last thing he wanted to deal with right now was Nott’s concerned looks, or Jester’s nosy questions. He could feel tension beginning to build inside him.

  


“So, Mr. Caleb, I guess I should let you know what to expect out of this.” Caduceus’ smooth baritone interrupted Caleb’s ruminating. He wondered if it had been obvious.

 

Caleb managed a shaky nod. Caduceus’ face did something, something like a grimace before flashing back into something more welcoming.

 

“As you can see I’m making a tea... It’s not a strong batch, but you’re welcome to drink it at a pace that’s comfortable.” Caduceus’ voice was very even. Even more so than usual. Caleb couldn’t quite help the little shivers that tickled the back of his neck as he listened to the deep bassy tones.

 

“Once you get it down it can take a little while to take effect so whatever you need to do to stay calm, you’re welcome to do it…” the firbolg gestured at the sheafs of parchment left on the table. Caleb frowned, not sure what he would do with the menagerie of drawing implements. Had they been borrowed from Jester?

 

“... and I mean that because your own frame of mind going into this will have a big effect on the outcome of this therapy.” Caduceus said gently, tapping the side of his head with a blunt claw. Caleb blinked, not sure how to respond to this.

 

“I… I’m sorry, but… I’m not the most- erhh- _calm_ of individuals? Just being here is making me nervous.” Caleb let out a dry husk of a laugh. This wasn’t anything new, the two of them had shared conversations ranging from embarrassing to nerve-wracking in the past. So surely Caduceus already knew how difficult a task it was to ask the wizard to simply ‘be calm’.

 

“To be honest? I’m not sure if I can do what you ask.” Caleb finished, haltingly. Caduceus hummed, pressing his palm into his chin and curling long elegant fingers against his mouth.

 

“... What about your cat?” Caduceus pointed out, but Caleb shook his head.

 

“Frumpkin is with Nott…” So Caleb could keep an eye on her. Although Caleb wished he could press his face into Frumpkin’s soft belly right about now.

 

“I did not think it would be appropriate to bring my Cat into your Room anyway. I wouldn’t want them to disturb your things, or shed.”

 

“It wouldn’t be an Issue.” Caduceus said reassuringly, “But if it’s not an Option then… what other sorts of things do you enjoy, Caleb? Like, to pass the time, or to meditate.”

 

The line of questioning pulled up an array of passing memories, impulses, sensations.

 

A deep voice whispering tales of adventure to his sleeping mind.  Wind flowing over golden fields of wheat. The smell of old leather and bread baking in the hearth. The feeling of strong arms scooping him up and carrying him home. Counting a litter of newborn tabbies. One... two... three... four… five pieces of copper to buy a candy apple. The sound of his mother singing in the garden. New books, warm paper. A cobblestone road laid out in perfect symmetry. His curiosity, satisfied. The smell of a library. The zing of ozone in the air after a spell is cast. The soft pitter patter of rain against a window or waxed cloth. Taking shelter from the elements in the warm embrace of another. The warmth of a familiar threadbare coat. A ringed stone hidden in his breast pocket, smooth to the touch.

 

Caduceus asks his questions so easily, like revealing personal quirks like these were harmless and didn’t need to be hidden, like a cat disguises an injured paw. Like they weren’t windows into his soul. Caleb didn’t indulge in things to soothe his hurts. Not anymore. He wallowed in pain because that’s what he deserved. Because if he let go of his horror, what if he forgave himself? What then would he do with himself?

 

“Ahh… Books? I don’t know, I spend most of my Free Time studying.” Caleb deflected. Caduceus studied him with a sharpness that belied the softness of his face. The firbolg nodded and leaned back in their chair. A few seconds of silence pervaded the air as Caduceus formulated his response. Caleb listened to the clattering of dishware float up from downstairs.

 

“That sounds more like work than something you do to relax.”

 

“Work can be enjoyable sometimes. Or at least, a good- ahh... Distraction.”

 

“Yeah, it can be… “ Clay paused. “When I used to work in my garden I enjoyed that... Although now that I think about it the dry season made working in the mud just awful, and I’d have to spend so much time watering the plants so they wouldn’t dry out and...“ he hummed, before shaking his head to clear his thoughts.

 

“I’m sorry I… don’t really have anything specific that would work for this scenario.” Caleb mumbled.

 

“Would you be open to suggestions?”

 

“ _Vas_?” A little surprised, Caleb’s gaze flitted back up to the Firbolg’s face.

 

“Close your eyes and listen. Lay down if you like.”

 

The request caught Caleb off guard, but nothing in Caduceus tone or posture set off any alarms in the wizards brain. He swallowed... Well at least the Firbolg wasn’t pressing him for more information.

 

“...Like this?” Caleb shifted back, getting more comfortable on the bed. He didn’t feel comfortable laying down on it, but he did shift so that he could lean his back against the headboard, pulling off his well worn boots as he did so. He set them carefully on the ground beside him.

 

“Yeah that’s great.” Caduceus kept still on the other side of the small bed chamber. Making no move towards or away from Caleb, posture relaxed. Safe. Caleb let his eyes slide shut, and let his muscles soften.

 

“Now… breathe, with me… one…”

 

Oh, so this is what Caduceus had been going for. It wasn’t totally unfamiliar to the Wizard, but he did feel a little silly following the other man’s commands.

 

“ _One_...” Caleb repeated. Caduceus finished breathing in and let the air out in a slow hiss, “Two.”

 

“ _Two_ …” Next Caduceus was breathing in again, counting...  and before long Caleb had got the jist of it, and continued breathing, and counting.

 

“Three.” The numbers grabbed and held onto his attention even when Clay had stopped.

 

“Good... good, keep going…” The firbolg’s deep purr, paired with that simple praise tickled something in the back of Caleb’s mind. But before he could grasp the thought and analyze it, it was blown away in a whoosh of exhalation.

 

“Now I’m going to tell you more about what to expect…”

 

“ _Vier…”_ Caleb murmured.

 

“The tea won’t taste that great, a bit musty, a little sour… But, You know- this isn’t a dessert tea so… It’s bad.”

 

 _F_ _ü_ _nf_ …

 

“I imagine someone your size will probably only need to drink 2 cups to get a proper dose…”

 

_Sechs…_

 

Absently, Caleb could hear the hollow sound of water being poured into a cup. Caduceus mutters a few arcane words, and then a warm mug is pushed into his clasped hands.

 

 _Sieben_.

 

The Mug isn’t too hot, isn’t too cold. Just warm enough to be comforting. The smell is not the greatest. Caleb opens his eyes just long enough to look down at the tea in his hands, and up at Caduceus, who is looking at him expectantly.

 

 _Acht_. Caleb drinks from the mug. It tastes like sour dirt. Caduceus smiles at him when he grimaces.

 

 _Neun_. Caleb watches Caduceus move back to his chair, watches him make a note of the position of the sun, and write something down. Caleb drinks again and takes another deep breath. He closes his eyes again.

 

 _Zehn_.

 

“It’ll take a while before you notice any changes... But when you do, you might see some visual distortions, brighter colors. You might lose track of time or of where you are… I once had a trip where I could taste sound... man that was weird… but mostly cool.”

 

 _Elf._ To be honest Caleb was only distantly paying attention to what Clay was saying. He heard the words, but they just became sounds to his meditative Zemnian brain. He wondered how someone’s voice could get that deep. Instruments would always produce a deeper sound the bigger they got. Caduceus must have a big ribcage… a big voicebox… big everything...

 

“Things in general will feel a lot more… vibrant, I suppose. I guess in more technical terms you could say that Psilocybin opens up the mind in new ways.“

 

 _Zwölf._ Vibrancy… No, it was way too soon. Still, Caleb felt warm and pleasant in a way he hadn’t experienced in a long time. Caleb frowned. What was he doing? He didn’t deserve-

 

“It can be overwhelming, which is why it’s so important to keep calm and surrender to the experience.”

 

 _Dreizehn._ Caleb’s expression smoothed, although he still felt a little conflicted. He opened his eyes briefly, and watched Caduceus through his eyelashes.

 

“Once you’re in it… you’ll mostly be on your own. I’m just here in case you need help.”

 

 _Vierzehn_. Caleb drank from his cup. Half empty now.

 

“I won’t talk to you unless you want me to. Do you want me to keep talking to you?”

 

Caleb’s breathing quickened. “Ya…” He swallowed, eyes flickering down. Breathe. He tried to latch on to the sound of Clay’s voice.

 

“What would you like me to talk about?”

 

“I don’t know.” Caleb squeezed his eyes shut. Caduceus was just a voice. He made him feel…

 

Not calm. Talking didn’t make him calm. He got more anxious the more he thought about it, but on its own, the sounds were soothing. Caleb rubbed one hand over his face, the palm still hot from the the mug it had been clutching. It was rather nerve-wracking to realize that it was actually just the firbolg that he found soothing. At least overall. Especially when they tread carefully around him; they made him feel like a well-respected house-cat.

 

“Shhh, it’s okay… _Laste- ana mime óma. Iluvátar ni estel sina na- okaime.“_ The sounds washed over Caleb. He would have recognized it anywhere, but the meaning of the words eluded him. Curiosity grabbed at him as he looked at Caduceus.

 

“I didn’t know you spoke Elvish.” Caleb rasped out.

 

“And now you do.” Clay smiled again. That smile was disarming, and as if nothing had happened, Caleb felt his nerves settling again. Simmering beneath the surface, shelved right beside the horror and respect he felt for how damn _good_ Caduceus was at this.

 

Caleb stared for a moment or two. Caduceus seemed to squirm under his gaze before he pointed to caleb’s cup. Reminding him to finish it off.

 

Minutes passed before Caduceus spoke up again.

 

“How do you feel?”

 

Caleb chewed on his words. He looked around the room, as if that might reveal some clues.

 

“Normal? Maybe a little sick.”

 

“Ah, that’s good.” the Firbolg bobbed slightly, before taking Caleb’s cup and refilling it. The pads of Caduceus’ fingers brushed his own when the warm drink was passed back to him. He looked into his wavering reflection, and blinked.

 

“ _Fünfzehn!_ ” Caleb said suddenly, now realizing that he’d forgotten to maintain his counting exercise. Caduceus chuckled softly before looking back towards his notes, scratching something down in graphite.

 

Right, he didn’t need to say the numbers out loud. Just breathe, and drink the tea. He was getting used to the flavor at least. The warm liquid felt good on his throat.

 

Caleb sighed. Caduceus was saying something in Elvish again, probably just to fill the air. It didn’t feel like the firbolg was saying anything of import. Clay wasn’t even looking his direction. So Caleb closed his eyes and settled in.

 

“If I might suggest, you could try to direct your thoughts towards whatever it is that you need help processing, like your fear of fire…”

 

Caleb hummed, starting to feel drowsy. He hadn’t slept much last night after all.

 

“But to be honest it can be tricky… I could help you talk about those things. Once you’re fully under the influence of the psilocybin… “

 

“Ya okay…” He took another sip of his tea, ran his tongue along his lip to feel the moisture there. His mouth felt curiously dry despite the fact that he was drinking plenty of water right now. Caleb gulped down the rest of his tea. Hmm...

 

“...My advice to that end would be to not stress over it. There can always be a next time, and the first time around is best used to test the waters anyway...”

 

Caleb didn’t reply. The silence seemed to stretch on for a long while, though to him it seemed short.

 

Caleb opened his eyes when he heard the rustling of fabric, and felt a shift in the mattress. Caduceus had moved closer and was looking at him closely.

 

“How do you feel?” Caduceus was so very… _pink_.

 

“Thirsty… Should I have another cup of tea?” They were looking at him. Right in the eyeballs. Caleb felt his face warm.

 

“...I’ll get you some water.” Caduceus said, before moving away. The air seemed to swirl around him. He had such an intricate pattern embroidered into his sleeve. Caleb watched it intently as Caduceus fetched a waterskien from his travelpack.

 

“I think it’s starting to have an effect.” Caleb mumbled, as he watched the lattice of silk begin to crawl around, like a swarm of ants or worms…

 

“That would explain the dry mouth, and your massive pupils.” Caduceus said jovially, turning back and handing the container to Caleb. But Instead the wizard reached for their dangling sleeve, running his thumb along the breathing fabric. The firbolg, after a moment, just laughed, and sat on the bed nearby. He waited for his friend’s fixation to shift focus.

 

The pattern was entrancing, the threads well stitched, but worn down from use. Little leaves and petals expertly arranged together in swirls and tufts. Little glass pearls appliqued into the bud of every silk flower. Caleb got lost in it for a while...

 

“Remember to breathe.” Caleb jumped, sucking in a breath. He looked at Caduceus, who watched him patiently. The the movement of air down his throat felt sharp. Speckles of light flickered like a halo around the firbolg’s face.

 

“Did I stop?”

 

“For a little while.”

 

“Ohh… I- hhhrm…” Nausea creeped up Caleb’s throat.

 

“...Yeah, that’ll happen when you forget to breathe... Do you want to count again?”

 

Caleb closed his eyes against the onslaught of color and pattern. Every second that went by came with a new found sensitivity. He nodded, then shook his head. The movement made him dizzy.

 

“Come on, breathe. You’ll feel better.” Caleb heard a whoosh of air, Caduceus could fit a lot of it in him. The sound spurred the Wizard into copying him. And for a little while, the firbolg helped him along. Eventually Caleb felt a little better.

 

“This… this is a lot.” Caleb worried at the silk between his fingers. Absentmindedly picking at the threads.

 

“It is.”

 

“Hh, Am I- this is real?” Caleb frowned. Even the darkness behind his eyelids started to morph and change. Swirling into a Rorschach of shapes that became mouths, eyes, teeth, faces contorting in pain. It was a little frightening and his picking became inadvertabtly more frenetic.

 

A warm palm, equal parts fuzzy and rough, fell over his busy fingers and Caleb opened his eyes.

 

“You’re real. We’re still in the Leaky Tap.” Caduceus gently pulled his sleeve free from Caleb’s grasp. It went easily, now that Caleb was more interested in the warm paw in his hand. Like a Cat’s… but not, and only covered in the lightest dusting of fur, but it was still wonderfully soft. The pads-- of their fingers and palm-- were firm, the color of pink roses, hung up to dry in the sun.

 

“Oh- ok _ayy_ ,” Caduceus said as Caleb continued to hold the firbolg’s hand. He cupped it’s delicate length in his palms, and studied it in it’s entirety. Stroking the peach fuzz that dusted Clay’s knuckles, moving upwards to their wrist, tracing the weave of veins that were just barely visible. But to Caleb they were bright, and beautiful and _Caduceus_ was- _Ach du lieber Gott Herr Clay-_

 

“ _das sehr hübschesten…_ ”

 

“What’s that mean?” Caduceus smiled at Caleb, finding wonder in his own confusion. The wrinkles on the firbolg’s face deepened and stretched, the apples of his cheeks went a little pink. The whole effect was so irresistibly charming, Caleb would have been smitten even without the halo of morning light that radiated off his hair, his eyes, his cheekbones, his teeth, his cherry pink nose… He was nearly iridescent.

  


“ _das schönste, was ich je gesehen habe… Ich habe noch nie so etwas gesehen…”_ Caleb hands were already working his way up Caduceus’ arm, it didn’t take long for that attention to shift towards their face. Caleb’s hands reached up. Fingers brushing over their chin, thumb moving up over their mouth and nose, coming away damp. Caduceus pulled away.

 

“Okayy that’s- Thanks, I appreciate it. But- Uhh... “ The firbolg caught Caleb’s hands when he moved to chase after their face. “I have some other things you might like. They’re nice.”

 

“ _Yja?_ ” Caleb said, eyes still flickering over Caduceus’ visage. As if he were trying to memorize a complicated arcane glyph. He watched as more pink spread over their features.

 

“Here,” Caduceus presses a sphere of tumbled amethyst into his hand. It fills his palm and has a satisfying heft. Immediately Caleb is taken by the way the crystal shines and captures the light.

 

“There’s more where that came from.” Caduceus voice reverberates and smells like fresh ground coffee. Caleb doesn’t watch him go, but he feels Caduceus move. The bed shifts from his departure. Caleb can’t fight the small smile that pulls at the corners of his mouth.

 

The inside of the Amethyst is smoky like a nebula, and shimmers like the night sky. Like a hundred dodecahedrons. Wait- Caleb stands up.

 

He drops the crystal on the bed and heads towards the exit. He’s briefly stunned by the movement of color around him, smearing and shattering and reforming itself all in the space of one second and one eternity.

 

He’s still laying on the bed. He’s Standing still moving 80 miles per hour. He’s 80 years old laying in a bed of flowers. He is dying. He is flowers. He is- It all makes sense suddenly. The weave of time and the cosmos and magic and all planes of reality. Stacked and knotted together like a ball of string. Tossed around by the gods as if it were nothing but a plaything. He can do it to. He can change it, untangle it and reshape it. He just needs- He needs diamonds. And blood. And Words. Something pure. Light And and _and and-_ The dodecahedron. The dodecahedron is the Catalyst, the Reactant, and the Product. A circle. A Weave. A Web. Strings. Tying people together. Bonds of electricity wrapping around the joints. Break them. Build them. _This is the answer_ -

 

“-ello?... are you there?... You’re breathing a little fast.” Caduceus is standing in front of him. Caleb doesn’t know when that happened. His thoughts are moving too fast. He whimpers.

 

“No-! no no no _nono_ it’s gone- I had it- I should have written it down but- I can’t remember- _why can’t I remember?!”_ Caleb grasped at Caduceus’ shirt. “Why did you _do_ that?! _I almost had it!”_ Caleb wailed.

 

“I- uh- what- shh _shhh_... what’s gone?” Clay soothed.

 

Caleb stared through Caduceus face and into his skull. Empty. It was all gone and they couldn’t understand. No one could understand. _HE_ would never understand. Never again. Gone. Caleb couldn’t describe the wretched sound that came out of his mouth. But his face felt wet. Skin taught. Teeth bared. He was rotting away. Flowers.

 

“They’re gone. It’s gone. I’m a worthless failure _\- Everything’s wrong!”_

 

“Caleb, you’re not worthless. You’re here. You’re experiencing a very powerful hallucination but it won’t last forever. You’ll be okay, I’m here with you and you’re safe.” Caleb could barely hear Caduceus over his frantic muttering and the roaring of his own heartbeat. Blood rushing in his ears. His heart was outside his body. Caleb looked around frantically, searching for it- But two large großen Hände gripped his head, and they were pushing him into something warm and soft.

 

“I- Ich-” Caleb gasped. A cold sweat broke out over his skin. He suddenly couldn’t stop shaking. His face was pressed into the fine filigree of Caduceus’ shirt.  

 

“Ich werde _sterben_ und- _”_ He had to get his heart back. He needed it. As much as he craved death, he was scared. He couldn’t reach his goal if he didn’t have his heart.

 

“ _und-_ und _mich in Blumen verwandeln! Sie werden_ mich _umbringen!_ Ich _sterbe!_ I don’t want _to die_ \- _!_ ” Caleb felt himself being rocked gently, backwards and forwards.

 

“You’re not dying. You’re safe, Let it pass. Let it wash over you.” Backwards and forwards. One massive paw stroked his hair. It was too much to bear. Too good for something so disgusting. Too embarrassing for someone so unworthy. But it gave Caleb something to latch onto. _Oh Nein... was habe ich getan?_ If he couldn’t fix things then- how… what would he do now? What was even the point of any of this if he couldn’t even do that much?

 

 _“Gott, es tut mir so Leid... “_ Everything felt so raw. Fresh like the day he’d done the deed. A nervous laugh bubbled out of his throat, followed by a choking sob “ _Es tut mir Leid. Verzeihen Sie mir, bitte. Bitte...”_  Weakly Caleb’s arms lifted to warp around the solid form of his father, smooth silk slipped over his shaky fingers.

 

There had to be a way. Had to. It was on the tip of his tongue. But he couldn’t make sense of it anymore. The concept was too broad, to much to think of at once now that he was less receptive. He could hardly make sense of the words he was babbling. But the touch was good. Unexpectedly so. He didn’t know what to make of it, but his father was whispering to him “ _let go, give in_.” So… he did.

 

He couldn’t say how long this lasted, but slowly Caleb came down from his panic. His head felt empty except for a buzzing, like his head was full of bees, or like his skull was purring. Or maybe Frumpkin was purring. No… Caduceus. Things were still strange, nothing felt real. His heart was gone, But at least He wasn’t dying anymore. He’d die eventually, maybe when this was all over but he seemed to be okay for now because this was just in his head. Safe. He felt a little sad, but comfortable, and very tired.

 

“...Feel better?”

 

“Mhn, ... _Yja_.” Caleb listened to his heart beating inside Caduceus’ chest.

 

“Something upset you.”

 

“ _Ya_.” He couldn’t find it in himself to want it back. Herr Clay could take care of it. He was good at that, and there was plenty of room for it inside that big ribcage.

 

Fake Caduceus hummed. Caleb could feel the sound rumbling through his chest. It made his teeth ache. He ran his tongue over them, which the firbolg seemed to quickly notice. Because an hour later Caleb felt himself being shifted and carried back over to the bed.

 

“Here, drink.” Caduceus said gently as they pressed the neglected waterskien to Caleb’s lips. The Wizard licked it, enjoying the shape of the nozzle against his mouth before he reached up and drank from the container properly.

 

“...you’re not going to tell anyone about this right?” Caleb found himself asking after his thirst had been quenched. Inwardly he laughed. Who would fake caduceus tell? He wasn’t real. Caleb wasn’t even really experiencing this. This was pleasant and warm and domestic. Fake Caduceus perched at his bedside, giving him water and watching him attentively, holding his hand and stroking his hair to get his attention. Pushing a lock of hair behind his ear. Maybe this is what Caleb’s future might have looked like if he hadn’t destroyed it.

 

“Of course not. This belongs to you.”

 

“...I didn’t expect this to turn out this way.” Caleb leaned into Caduceus’ paw. Bowed his head into it like a cat asking for scritches.

 

Caduceus chuckled lightly. “Life almost never turns out the way you expect it.” The hand holding Caleb’s head moved, scratching behind his ear. Caleb hummed.

 

“I’m… not sure I’ve learned anything.” Nothing. Just that he’d failed. He felt despair and freedom  simultaneously. It made him boneless.

 

“That’s okay. These things take time.”

 

“...” Caduceus’ thumb gently pressed into Caleb’s cheek. Fingers continuing to move gently over his scalp and ear. He resisted the impulse to turn his face completely into the other man’s warm palm.

 

“Did you think about fire? Is that what scared you? ”

 

“No… yes? No. I’m not afraid of fire.” Caleb frowned, pulled away, and was immediately released by the firbolg’s grasp.

 

“You’re not?” Fake Caduceus sounded surprised. The lift of his eyebrows made his forehead writhe around like worms.

 

“No… I quite like it actually.” Caleb curled his hand in the air, smiling a little as he did so. Flames began to lick off of them. They were profoundly hypnotic- but Caduceus quickly snuffed it out, closing the wizard’s palm before the fire could grow to a dangerous size.

 

“Then if not fire then what?” Fake Caduceus asked, tentative.

 

“Flowers. You know.” Caleb wiggled his fingers. Threaded them through Caduceus’s. He thought about mold and decomposition and how Caduceus could summon fungus and how he’d grow dead bramble and dead lilies and the magic he’d planted in Mollymauk’s death bed.

 

“That sounds nice. What do you mean?”

 

Caleb frowned. “If I’m flowers then I can’t go back to save them… But I’m not scared anymore. I’m back behind the glass.”

 

“I see...” Caduceus whispered. His eyebrows were so strange.

 

“And you have my heart now anyway, so there’s nothing I can do about it, even if I am a failure.“

 

“... The Periapt?”

 

“No, that’s Mollymauk’s.”

 

Caduceus made no response to that, but something on his face seemed unhappy. But it was no matter. Caleb yawned. His stomach gurgled and he smiled. It was good to know that something was still where it should be.

 

“Are you hungry?”

 

“...Ya.”

 

“I’ll go get us some lunch then.”

 

“Ya, okay.” Caleb wondered what happened to breakfast. But he was too interested in his hands. They made no sense. He curled his fingers, testing them. In his periphery he heard Caduceus’ soft footsteps drift away, heard the creak of his door and the sound of voices outside. He heard Nott … Jester… and Caduceus’ baritone was unmistakable.

 

Time passed. Herr Clay brought food back up to his room. Two bowls of hot soup filled with winter vegetables, and a loaf of crusty bread to soak up the broth. It was the strangest and most delicious thing Caleb had ever tasted. The texture vacillated between wildly nauseating to animalistically comforting. Time passes.

 

He feels mellow. Content to watch the shifting realities around him. His head is empty as he watches the world move around him and without him. Moving forward while he stayed put. He was moving backwards. Or he would be if he could. But he’d get there. He’d rediscover whatever spark of genius had come to him earlier. Maybe If he kept doing this he’d have another breakthrough. He would ask Caduceus again later.

 

“...I want to do this again.” Caleb said to the firbolg through another yawn.

 

“Okay,” Fake Caduceus chuckled. “We’re barely half way through the day, though. Did you think of something?”

 

“Yes, but I forgot it.”

 

“That’s too bad,” Caduceus said with unperturbed acceptance.

 

Hours passed in relative calm. No other profound discoveries struck Caleb as he explored the space allowed to him, sticking his nose into whatever got his attention. A strangely large knot of wood on the floor, a comically shaped stain on the wall, A dead spider curled up in a mass of cobwebs. Throughout the day he consistently found himself drawn towards the firbolg. Caduceus left him mostly to his own devices as they perused a novel leant to them by Jester. Caleb instantly recognized it as ‘ _Tusk Love’._ Caduceus seemed perplexed by it, which delighted the Wizard to no end. He was enraptured by the sunlight beautifully cascading over his hair and face. Caleb wanted desperately to touch them. But he knew better than anyone not to bother someone while they were reading.

 

The hours dragged on, eventually pulling away the effects of the Psilocybin with it.

 

“Mr. Caleb,”

 

He stirs, like he’s being pulled from a dream but he doesn’t recall ever falling asleep. He’s laying on the bed again. It’s dark. It must be past dawn. Is it time for dinner? He feels famished. Caduceus is nudging his shoulder.

 

“Herr Clay,” His speech feels slurred.

 

“It should all mostly be out of your system by now, you can go if you like.”

 

Caleb hummed, and slowly sat up. He rifled through his memories, which felt fuzzy around the edges. It was an alien feeling considering he was used to remembering even the tiniest of details. But he found that any sort of alarm he might have felt was muted. He just felt muddled and warm. He’d like nothing more than to cuddle up with Frumpkin and enjoy a cup of mulled wine… It was… nice.

 

He headed towards the door after he’d slowly pulled his boots back on. He tried to process how he felt about all this. He remembered pretty much all of it, remembered how raw he’d felt. It… put a lot of things in perspective.

 

He still had a lot to think about, and he still had a lot to work towards, but…

 

“Herr Clay?” Caleb paused just outside the doorway. He turned to look back at Caduceus, who looked exactly like he always did. But perhaps there was a little more understanding hidden beneath his heavy lidded stare.

 

“Yeah Mr. Caleb?”

 

“Thank you.”

 

“Anytime, Mr. Caleb.”

 

“ _Gute Nacht._ ”

 

**Author's Note:**

> CC: "You know, I have something that might be able to help with that."
> 
> CW: "owo? what's that?" :3c
> 
> CC: *whips it out* ;3
> 
> CW: :O
> 
> Me: I can't believe it took me this long to realize how much this fic starts out sounding like the start of a gay porno.


End file.
